The trouble with pregnancy loss.

But you are not alone.

According to the charity Tommy’s (www.tommys.org), ‘In the UK, it is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss during pregnancy or birth’. That is a very large number! So why does it feel like such a lonely experience?

In 2009 I sadly lost 2 pregnancies, the first was a Miscarriage, the second an Ectopic. Among the many emotions that I experienced during those losses was the sense of loneliness. Over the years I have had much time to reflect on the reason for that loneliness, an aspect of loss that I have explored in my book also.

I feel strongly that the first barrier to preventing loneliness in the bereaved parents is the silence surrounding pregnancy loss. I honestly felt that I was the only person in my social or work circles who was experiencing this. I don’t recall any of my friends or colleagues mentioning ever experiencing a pregnancy loss. As far as I knew, everyone around me got pregnant and stayed pregnant. First of all, this compounded the feeling that I was a failure, after all, everyone else was able to keep their babies but I wasn’t! There must have been something wrong with me, something I was doing wrong. And perhaps that also meant that I didn’t deserve to have another y. Second of all, it meant that I couldn’t speak to anyone about it. The fact that no one was acknowledging my loss said to me that it wasn’t a big deal. It clearly wasn’t worth mentioning so I took that to mean that my feelings of loss and grief were an overreaction.

I now know that my feelings were valid, they were real and they were worthy of acknowledgment.

My advice to anyone going through a loss is to reach out. That could be to a family member, friend, colleague or a health professional. Whoever you feel most comfortable with. If like me, you don’t feel that there is anyone who will understand, contact one of the many pregnancy loss charities. There are a variety of services offered by them, from support groups to online forums, so have a search and see what meets your needs and suits you best.

If you know someone who has gone through or is going through a loss, reach out to them. Ask them is they are ok and give them the opportunity to talk. Not everyone who has suffered a loss wants to talk about it but you won’t know until you ask.

Lastly, if you have suffered a loss either recently or in the past, consider whether you might feel comfortable in talking about it. In doing so you will be helping couples everywhere to realise that they are not alone in their grief.

Let’s help take the loneliness out of pregnancy loss.